Better than Me
by MelyssaBlack
Summary: Songfic based off of the song Better than Me by Hinder. Severus Snape breaks things off with his love, Kalysta, for her own good, to protect her. Things don't always work out how we want them to. please R


Disclaimer: I do not own Severus Snape or the world in which he lives in, JK Rowling does. I dont own the song either. Better Than Me belongs to Hinder. I only own Kalysta Lynch and the idea.

Better Than Me

...I think you can do much better than me

After all the lies that I made you believe...

Kalysta Lynch held back bitter, hot tears as she angrily shoved her belongings into a bag. Severus Snape watched her from the doorway, he himself trying to hold back his emotions. As much as he hated it, he had to end it...he couldn't stand to lie to her any more. Kalysta wiped a stray tear off her cheek with her wrist before turning around. When she saw him standing in the doorway, she sneered.

"Come to break something else?" she jeered, referring to her heart. Her question sliced right through Severus, weakening his very core. _Can't she see that this is what is best for her?_ he thought. _No you bloody fool, she can't. She doesn't know her life is in danger. She doesn't know that you've lied to her! _he berated himself.

"Kal, I'm...I'm sorry-"

"Shut up!" She screamed, tears returning, fist clenched, "I don't want to hear another word!" She grabbed her bag and shoved past him. When their bodies made contact as she shoved past him, she let out a quiet sob and Severus closed his eyes in immense pain. Hearts should never be worn on their sleeves was his philosophy, but Kalysta's heart had been so beautiful... the sound of a slamming door startled a spacey Severus. The jolt shattered his defenses and sent him to tears.

...Guilt kicks in and I start to see

The edge of the bed

Where your nightgown used to be

I told myself I won't miss you

I remembered

What it feels like beside you...

Severus woke up a few nights later in the middle of the night. He was sweating feverishly and his heart was pounding madly in his chest. _Where's Kalysta?_ his mind panicked, looking over to the right side of the bed, where she used to sleep so peacefully. When he realized she wasn't there and in all reality shouldn't be there, his heart burned and ached. Alone and with no reason to keep his mask on, Severus wept.

_What was I thinking? I love her, I need her! Worse than that, Sev, she loved you! You broke her heart, you slimy bastard! And worst of all she doesn't even know why! She doesn't know why you ended it! Why you ended something so beautiful...Severus you fucking dunderhead!_

...I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes...

Kalysta had always been very unique and unlike anyone he had ever met. She had this beautiful wide eyed innocence about her, but she wasn't in any way naive. She saw the good in people but recognized the bad. She knew the importance of good decisions but loved to live in the moment. She was fiesty but loving. After being around sickeningly corrupt people it had been relieving to be around someone like Kalysta. She had been so beautiful...inside and out...

...And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me...

Severus looked in the mirror and grimaced. His nose was still huge, complexion pallid and hair greasy and scraggily. His obsidian eyes glinting in a most disconcerting way_. "_And why was Kalysta with you?" his mirror asked him sardonically. Severus glared at the mirror. "Shut up or I'll shatter you," he snarled. But his mirror stirred something within him. He had done Kalysta a great favor by letting her go. Not only had he saved her from a hidden life fraught with danger, but he had saved her from a lifetime of waking up next to his sorry person. He was fit as a fiddle, as a man in his position had to be, but what good was a body when the face and complexion begged for solitude?

Severus raged and threw several viles and bottles of various cologne's, potions and soaps off of his counter. Many hit the wall or marble floor and shattered, the contents oozing or running out all over the place.

"Way to go, slick," the mirror congradulated in a dull, sarcastic tone.

"GO TO HELL!" he bellowed, storming out, not caring if he stepped on broken glass. After his initial anger subsided, he lost it. He slide to the floor, crying like he had as a child. He had not let a single tear actually fall in nearly seventeen years and now not only were there tears, he was sobbing.

_As much as I miss her and feel like I need her...she's better off...she deserves so much better than I._

...While looking through old box of notes

I found those pictures I took

That you were looking for...

"M-master Sn-Snape," squeaked his house elf, Larky, "Perhaps it'd be b-best if you d-didn't k-keep her s-stuff..."

Severus glared at his stuttering house elf. "Larky, you twit, I don't want to get rid of her stuff, I don't need to get rid of her stuff."

"S-sorry s-sir, but I just thought y-you'd be ha-happier wi-wi-with out the rem-m-minders, s-sir." Severus continued to glare.

"Or -or-or perh-haps sir, sh-she'd like them b-back." Severus rolled his eyes and sighed. Larky did have a point. Even if it was relatively useless. There was a box of her old clothes, a drawer with her night clothes, and a box of pictures and keepsakes involving Kalysta.

He knew immediately that he should probably send her her clothes. There were three blouses, two skirts and a pair of robes, he knew that she probably had a plethora of clothes else where, but what would he actually do with women's attire? _Take up drag?_ he thought sarcastically.

He opened her drawer and found it a bit harder to give them back. He pulled out your typical nightgown. It was knee length, white with a few floral bits at the collar and sleeves. He smelled it, and it smelled of her exactly. Lavender, honey and clovers. Her own shampoo and soap she had created in his lab. Underneath it was a few more nighties that were not your typical nightie. The first one he pulled out was black and crimson. It had a tight bodice that had done wonders for her womanly figure and a ridiculously short skirt with skimpy knickers attached. He gave up looking at these because they made him miss her in an even more intimate way.

He begrudgingly went to the box of photographs and keepsakes, knowing it would take a great effort to keep himself together during the process.

The first photograph was of Kalysta only. It was taken at a local park in Christmastime. In the photograph Kalysta was laughing merrily and was dancing beneath the snowflakes begging him to dance with her. He took at deep breath and sat it beside him. The next one was of the pair of them dancing together in the same park only moments after the first one had been taken. Kalysta's younger sister, Sephora had taken it. She was only in her sixth year at Hogwart's and at the time of this photograph she had been on Christmas holiday during her fifth year. The next photo had Seph and Kalysta together making a collection of silly faces. The pictures pained him but he swallowed the pain and trudged through his box.

...If there's one memory I don't want to lose

That time at the mall

You and me in the dressing room...

After examining several stacks of photographs, mainly of just Kalysta because he perfered not to be caught on film, but there was a hand full of him caught unwares, cooking, or brushing his teeth, he stumbled across a plastic hook. He smiled grimly at it, it was the top crooked part of a muggle hanger. The story behind it made him smile. It had been such a disatorious day. Kalysta had begged him to come to a muggle mall with her. She said they had the most eccentric stuff and interesting people. And Severus had to agree with her. People walking around in bizarre outfits. Chubby women with their digusting bellies emerging out from under shirts at least two sized too small, men wearing riduclous trousers and polos. It seemed as if every under priveleged over fed muggle decided to take a stroll around the mall that day.

After people watching, (which terrified Severus far more than anything he had ever witnessed while being a double agent), Kalysta wanted to do some real shopping. She bought silly face paint at Boots, and bought a silly sundress at a store Severus didn't even bother to read the name. An hour or so later they were in little shop and Kalysta was trying to make Severus give his imput on whether she should choose the lime green pleated skirt or the hot pink bibbed tunic. He was about to tell her to just buy them both, and if she didn't have the money he'd give it to her when he noticed a rather dumpy man was staring at him. Severus was wearing a floor length robe over a pair of black slacks and a black button down shirt, but nothing terribily strange. Kalysta had told him the robe looked more like a muggle trench anyway. He whispered into Calysta's ear, "Darling, that man is staring..."

"Follow me," she said, not even looking up to see who was staring. They walked back to the secluded dressing rooms, the worker who was suppose to be supervising was paying more attention to her gossip mag than to her costumers and they slipped into a dressing room.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked incredulously.

"Getting out of the public eye," she said with mock heroism. She smirked and kissed him lightly, "Don't worry. He is probably just hates goths or something..."

"Goth?" he asked raising a dark eyebrow.

Not seeming to understand his question she gestured toward his attire, "You're wearing all black and have black hair..."

"But what does that-"

"SHH!" she said and put her hand to his lips. The gossip mag addict was parading down the isles, grabbing rejected clothing from the hangers to hang them back up. She was moving quickly, probably dying to get back to her mag.

When it sounded clear, Severus stared at her funny, wondering if they could leave yet.

"Oh no," she said playfully. "I've got you in a dressing booth with a door that reaches booth floor and ceiling...You're getting away from me as easily as you want." She leaned in and kissed him passionately. Severus grinned and kissed her back.

"Okay then, lets have some fun then, eh?"

...I told myself I won't miss you

But I remembered

What It feels like beside you...

Severus irritably tossed the hanger back into the box. He grabbed a fist full of hair and took a deep breath. _Why am I going through this shit? Why on earth would I give her stuff that would remind her of me...how arrogant am I to think she'd even want it. Well it wasnt technically my idea, it was the house elf's - but you listened to him, you twit!_

Severus packed the bag up and shot Larky a nasty glare. He went to the kitchen and poored himself a glass of elf made red wine. He drained it far more quickly than he should and sat the glass shakily on the counter. He was trembling and his chest felt tight. _If she were here she'd comfort you. She'd sit you down, give you a back rub or some other ridiculous but soothing gesture and talk to you. She'd love you...if only you hadn't blown it you moron!!!!!_

...I really miss you hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me...

After a few months, Severus's pain had not so much lessened as much as he had bottled it and tried to hide it. He found that if he treated that emotion like all the others, it would be quite simple to hide it. Being a skilled Occulmens made this ridiculously easy for him. He thought he was over her. And for the most part he was...until he saw her again. He was walking through Diagon Alley, one more stop he was forced to make before grabbing a drink at the Leaky Cauldron. He was nearling in the bookshop when he stopped dead in his tracks. He heard her laughter. He spun around slowly and wished ardently that he had ignored it and went on with his business. Kalysta was holding hands with a very handsome wizard with stylish black hair, ice blue eyes and fantastic build. They were both smiling and Kalysta was laughing at something clever that her new beau had said. Severus's breath caught in his chest. _She's with SIRIUS?!_

He just stared at them, emotions a little less than well covered but certainly not displayed. Kalysta looked up and saw him watching her. Her smile quickly faded and she stared back. Sirius was still talking to her, not noticing that she was completey silent now. Her face darkened with hurt and betrayal and she sped Sirius up quickly away from Severus.

Severus dropped his bag numbly, feeling himself start to shake again. He always shook miserably whenever he thought of her. He stumbled to the Leaky Cauldron and took a little seat in a dark corner. He buried his hands in his face and nearly cried.

_Who are you kidding Sev? She's better off with him. He's better than you._

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

Wish I never would've said it's over

And I can't pretend...I won't think about you when Im older

Cause we never really had our closure

This can't be the end...

"Kalysta please! Please hear me out!" Severus pleaded, his head resting on her apartment door. Face twisted in agony. He had to talk to her, he had to tell her the truth.

"Severus!" he voice was strained and full of pain. "Severus, please, if you don't want to hurt me anymore than you already have, just leave!" Severus' chest tighened at her words, he clenched his fist and slammed it into her door.

"No, I can't leave until I explain myself! I never ment to hurt you I was trying to-"

"Severus!" Kalysta shrieked. "Stop it!"

"No! I can't!" he shouted back, desperate for her to know. There was silence for several painful moments before the sound of locks being undone disturbed it.

She opened a crack in the door and looked at him. He looked up at her and met her eyes. His black ones united with her violet ones. Her reddish brown hair fell in her face, hiding her knitted eyebrows and worried expression. She could see the anguish inside Severus just by looking at his face. His eyes did something they never did, they displayed emotion. They displayed misery.

"Please," he panted, "Please hear what I have to say."

She closed her eyes and bit her lip. She flung the door open and gestured for him to walk on in.

"Fine, Severus. Take a seat."

Kalysta led him to her couch and he sat down, stomach churning. She sat in a chair much like the ones in the schools common rooms, facing him. She just stared at him, violet eyes watching him carefully. Her face as though just looking upon him brought back the pain. Which it did very much.

"Kal, Kalysta, there is something that I think you need to understand," he started steadily, "Something that I was an arse before not to tell you. I didn't break things off because I didn't love you. On the contrary, I loved- love you very much. I did it because I love you. No please, stay with me, Kalysta!" he begged when she grimaced and shook her head.

"Kalysta, I am not the man you think I am. I could not give you the life you wanted and so desperately deserve. I am...Kalysta what I am about to tell you is highly confidential. Promise me that you will tell no one. Especially your new...man," he said uncomfortably.

Kalysta looked as though she was holding back tears. "He's not my lover if that's what you think. When I saw you that day we were just on a date...He talks about himself too much, we decided to just be friends."

Severus was relieved to know this, but at the moment it just wasn't relevent.

"Kalysta...do you promise?" he asked again.

She sighed and dropped her hands in her lap. "I promise. I won't tell a single soul."

"I am a spy for Dumbledore. I have infiltrated myself into the Dark Lord's circle. I am a double spy, Kal. My life is a dangerous, unsatisfied one. I have to do what I do, Kalysta, I owe it to Dumbledore. But I hate it. Every time I go to a Death Eaters meeting I put my life in severe danger. If I were to be caught...or if the other Death Eaters saw you...they are terrible men, Kalysta, sick and twisted men and if they were to see a girl like you-- so beautiful and so pure, they'd lose their minds. They view wives and girlfriends as shared property. I couldn't endanger you any longer."

When he looked up at Kalysta, her perfect mouth was parted and her violet eyes full of horror. Her breathing was labored and her nostrils flared as she tried not to cry.

"You want proof?" he asked quietly. He ripped his sleeve back revealing the Dark Mark. Kalysta gasped in horror and brought a trembling hand to her lips.

"Oh, Severus!" Soon the trembling in her hand spred to her hole body. "I feel like... like I should ask how I know you're on our side...but...but I know you...you...you...wouldn't...would you?"

Severus looked at her darkly and shook his head. He had done some terrible things on the Dark Lord's bidding but he had never truely followed him.

Finally having some sort of closure, Severus wondered what would happen next. Was he suppose to walk away pretending that just telling her made it all better. Could they possibly go back together? Would she want to.

"Kalysta, I haven't forgot you." he said quietly, "I haven't stop thinking about you." Severus then poured his soul to her- he told her...

I really miss you hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

The moment he finished, he stopped and took a deep, shakey breath. He told himself that he should leave and he stood up to walk to the door. He took a few steps toward the door when a small cry from Kalysta stopped him.

"Wait!"

She lept up and threw her arms around him. Burying her face into his shoulder she cried and cried. She cried for his burden, for his mark, for him and her, for her and for what was and what could've been and what might be.

"Severus," she whispered thickly through tears, "I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever met. I always have and I always will. I don't care the dangers. It is worth it to be with you..."

"Be reasonible," he forced himself to say even though he wanted to immediately accept her offer. "It's unrealistic for a girl as bright and beautiful as you to waste you life on a hideous prat like me." Kalysta exhaled and without letting go, looked up at him.

_God she has beautiful eyes. Such a rare color, so beautiful..._ he thought. Beautiful as they were, they were pitifully full of tears.

"You aren't hideous, Severus! I think you are beautiful," she said softly. "Your soul is beautiful."

"I don't have a soul, Kalysta."

"Yes you do," she insisted to his dry reply, "If you didn't you wouldn't be with me right now." He rolled his eyes in defeat and kissed her gently on the lips.

"You deserve much better than me."

"I don't deserve anyone but you."


End file.
